Questions and Answers to Save My Marriage
July 31st, 2009
There are few things in life as important as marriage. There are also few things in life as complicated, confusing, and frustrating as marriage. As anyone who has ever had a roommate knows, living with another person in an intimate setting can be extraordinarily challenging, and many people simply cannot take the pressure and strain of having to have that close, personal connection all the time. In trying to do so, people inevitably come up with a multitude of questions, like “I need guidance to save my marriage”. Below I have taken some of the most common questions and answered them to hopefully give you some guidance.
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“I want to know ways to save my marriage, but I’m clueless about where to start. What is the first step?”
I always tell people that the first step to fix a marriage is within you. You have to make a decision and a commitment to fix it. But outside of yourself, it actually helps to seek professional counseling. A counselor is trained to repair emotional damage and help two people at odds to reconcile their differences; as such, their help is invaluable. A lot of people are hesitant to go see a “shrink”, but think of a marriage counselor as a listener and a mediator who can help you and your partner talk to each other in an honest yet positive way. They really are the best for this job.
“Do you think separation is a good method to save my marriage?”
Do I think it is good to have time to yourself? Yes. Do I think occasionally couples need time apart to recharge and focus? Absolutely. Do I think that separation is going to fix your marriage in the long run? No. If you separate completely and do your own thing, you and your partner will not fix things because you will not be communicating. Your problems and issues will be frozen in place and will only deteriorate the more you allow them to smolder.
“To save my marriage, should we have children? I heard it makes a couple grow closer.”
Under no circumstances should a couple have children just to make the marriage better. It may seem like the perfect solution – everyone loves a baby and the parents are forced to work together – but in reality it isn’t. Parenthood brings with it enormous challenges and difficulties on its own; these can be compounded severely if your marriage is in trouble to begin with. Plus, it is not fair to the child to be brought up by two parents who have resentment in their hearts towards each other. Wait until your marriage is fixed before you have a baby.
“Do you think we should bring in our family so they can help to save our marriage?”
Yes and no. You should always incorporate your families into your lives, because that makes the marriage stronger in the long run. And it always helps to talk to your family members about what you are going through. But you should avoid two things: Talking bad about your spouse, and having your family members take over. You two have the responsibility of fixing the marriage, not your families. Let them help by giving encouragement and advice, but that is where the line should be drawn. And it should be a very clear line.
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